Grandma

My Grandma died in March and I barely dealt with it.
I was sad. So, so sad. But I didn't let myself actually feel the hurt. I didn't accept it.. so I pushed her death out of my mind and moved on.

I was a weird child growing up and every weekend when my friends would be out playing, I would sleep at my Grandma & Grandpa's house. Somehow, this was always comforting to me and was always where I wanted to be. I had the best time with them whether it was because we were going out to dinner, going shopping, watching TV & Movies or baking cupcakes... my heart always felt full.

Before I was born, my Grandma developed a serious case of lung cancer to the point where they didn't think she was going to live. She pulled through though like the champion she's always been and stayed "healthy" for years later. She never developed cancer again, but she aged drastically and was always very sore & sick.

A few years ago, she ended up in the hospital and we were told she wasn't going to come out this time (too many problems at home for my Grandpa). So she ended up getting transferred to a different hospital in a room where she could stay until she got moved into an "old folks home". She ended up staying in that room for 3 years. No way to live, right?

It started getting harder & harder to go and visit her as her health was really starting to diminish and she wasn't the same person she used to be. I know that's really selfish of me to say as she was my best friend growing up but it was hard to face her and it didn't help that my mom was so impatient when we'd go there too. However, my Grandpa (the sweetheart he is) went and saw her every. single. day. And I believe she truly felt like one lucky woman.

Whenever I would go visit her all by myself, something was different. We would get into the deepest of conversations and she would offer up the most heartfelt advice and it was like I had my grandma back. She always managed to become the woman she used to be when it was just me and her. I think it's because she didn't feel so guilty when we would all be there in a big group and she couldn't do anything.

So going back to the original paragraph, I didn't deal with her death. When she died, it was a huge shock to me... My grandpa told me Grandma went back to the real hospital and was in trauma and she probably wasn't going to retaliate. My sister & I rushed to the hospital and my Grandma was no longer my Grandma. She was hooked up to cords and was fighting and fighting and fighting to breathe. It lasted that way for 24 hours with her breathe becoming slower but stronger.

Then, the time came & I was numb. I said my goodbyes and sat in the visitors room. I couldn't see her take her last breathe and I knew it was coming any minute.

Grandpa slowly walked in the room and sat down beside me, arm around my neck.

"She's gone. It's over." He said as he began to weep silently, knowing that his only wife was now gone forever.
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I felt the need to write all of this out because even though her death was months ago now, lately I've been having trouble dealing with it. 
I barely got upset at the time of her death because I didn't want to accept it but I believe even though the month of October brings many happy memories for me, it's all happy memories that my Grandma was once apart of and this is the first year she's not here for them (my birthday, Thanksgiving, my mom's birthday, halloween...) and I'm having a hard time with it. 
My Grandpa came over for Thanksgiving the other day and he kept mentioning things my Grandma used to do & say or things we would do together as a family and my heart broke a little. So I've really felt the need to write out all my feelings. 
Thanks for listening. 

Twin Cities/Taylor Swift Trip

Sorry for the delay on these pics!
Nothing seems to be working right with this album! Ha!
Anyway...my adventures

1.Delicious Food Items from Rainforest Cafe.
2. Me and John at the Rainforest Cafe. Nice Scenery!
3. Jellyfish in Sea Life in the Mall of America! So cool!
4. Sharks! Awesome!
5. Me and My sister before the concert.
6. Me and My sister waiting really, really anxiously.
7+: TAYLOR SWIFT!!!! SO AMAZING

For details about the trip...go to THIS POST to read about it!

A Night Away From It All

So last night, John and I decided it would be a good idea to go out to his camp...or for you others out there "Cottage".

He raves and raves about his camp all the time but I've never been there. Well, last night that finally changed and what a beautiful night it was.

We got there and he started barbequing sausages which were so good!

And then we went down by the lake where we read our books just enjoying the quiet and refreshing air.

Then we took a Sauna which was very much needed and afterwards had a bright idea to jump in the lake where the ICE ONLY MELTED OFF JUST DAYS BEFORE! Terrible idea. You can imagine how fast we jumped back in the Sauna after...

And then we went back inside (it was getting dark out) and read inside his beautiful camp.

It was such a great night and we're going back Sunday because his Sister is in town (whom I've never met). So I'm really excited for that!

I even had to PEE in a little POT at night time because it would have been too much of a hassle to go out to the outhouse (which was very glam by the way! haha) But it's Whatevs. I'm rugged.


Hopefully we'll have more mini camp vacay's soon and often! :)

Off to Camp

Me and my Boyfriend are both sick so we're going off to his camp tonight to have a Sauna and in general, some R & R!

I definitely need this country outing as I haven't been feeling myself lately.

Tomorrow is a camp night too which will be fun and like I said, very much needed.

This is actually a picture of my friend Tamara's camp where I'm going tomorrow night.

Easter Sunday!

I don't think I've ever been so full in my entire life.
Yesterday me, my Mom, my Sister and John all went for Brunch. I've never seen so much food.
They had everything from a variety of cheese, to vegetables and fruit, to salads, to seafood, to french toast with strawberries/caramel sauce (so delicious!) to your standard breakfast items to roast and lamb. Not to mention the crazy amount of desserts that were offered.
I definitely ate my $30 worth.

Then at night I went to John's family's (I had never met this side of the family yet!) house for a Turkey dinner. What a spread!
I ate SO much (I was probably still a little full from Brunch). I already felt like my body was being weighed down when a cookie was offered until dessert was served. And of course, I couldn't say no. I had a hard time eating the cookie. And then the most delcious dessert was served. It was some sort of chocolate/banana cream pie. Oh my gosh. Amazing.

Can I just mention quickly how much I love John's family? Everyone I've met has just been so welcoming and kind. I just felt so involved with this side in particular though. I think because they seem very similar to my family. There were a lot of members at this Easter Dinner and I also have lots of members in my family so it was neat to see the similarities.

His little cousin was only 12 and I felt like I was talking to a 16 year old.

Also, we prayed before we ate which is something I'm not used to but... I really liked it.
It was nice and different for me. But it made me feel really good.

Anyway, let's just say that when we got home, I barely moved for the rest of the night and accidentally missed the 2nd period of the Canucks vs BlackHawks game because I took a Turkey Nap.

(Canucks lost by the way. Boo.)

My body is still being weighed down my food and LUCKY ME.. I get another Turkey Dinner tonight.

I'm going to explode.

It's Friday, Friday, Gotta Get Down on Friday! (I mean Thursday)!

That's right, everyone!
It's the long weekend!

And this weekend is going to be spectacular!

Here's the agenda:

Tonight: It's my little cousin's birthday party! After that me and the Baby are going to watch the Canucks play. Now let me tell you, I never used to hold an interest in Hockey AT ALL but now I'm sort of starting to like it! My heart races in the last 10 minutes of the game if the score is close and what not. Is it possible, that I, Jessica Kutok am a hockey fan? You better believe it! So weird. My very life is changing before my eyes.

Friday: Hangin out all day... with no sense of a plan! Friday night going to see Water for Elephants with Tamara for her birthday ...Vanessa and Paula are coming along too! I love those girls!!!

Saturday: We're going to Montana's for Tam's Bday!! Im so excited. Going out for dinner is awesome. Unfortunately,  I work 12-7:30 though for street team. I feel bad because I couldn't say no and it's Tam's birthday. TAMARA DON'T BE MAD!!! Thank you for changing your reservation! It means a lot :)! So excited to spend Saturday night with you! The big 22!!!! You should feel very happy!

Sunday: Easter festivities!! Going for a brunch with my Mom and Sister for yummy chocolate fountains of fruit! And then going to John's families for some yummy delicious Easter Dinner!

Monday: Work. :( And then having turkey dinner with my family!

It's going to be a great weekend!

I'll be sure to post lots of pictures!

Have a great weekend! xoxo.

Forgive My Poor Structure.

I am going to be a total dork right now and get really excited for something extremely early:

Christmas!

Now that Halloween is over (and what a great Halloween it was) that means I can get excited for the warm feeling that is, in fact, Christmas! I have a good feeling about this Christmas. I think it is going to bring me happiness I forgot existed.

:)

I really am loving life right now. It's a nice feeling, you know, to love life. I almost stopped believing in a lot of things for a while, but the pieces are coming back together and I truly am grateful for everything I have right now and for the decisions I have made.

Please forgive me for my scattered thoughts. I know I go from talking about Christmas one second and then talking about beliefs the next. I don't really have structure when I write.

Halloween Shenanagins.

Hey everyone!
I know not long ago I was getting into the habit of posting everyday-but I've been so busy lately I haven't really had the time! :)

Work is going great. I've been so busy lately and taking on extra work to help my boss out.

So this weekend is Halloween weekend and it is going to be an absolute blast!!

I have a packed agenda as follows:

Friday: The Haunted Cornfield followed by the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I'm supposed to dress up...anyone know where to find a maid costume to represent the spooky "Magenta"? All I need to do is shower quickly after the cornfield blowdry my hair and then brush it to maintain ULTRA frizz (fro? Whatever. My hair is pretty wild.)

Saturday: Baking all day with the ladies and decorating fun followed by drinks/Shag. :) VERY exciting!

Sunday: Halloween Day! Handing out candy followed by Haunted Fort Night! SO exciting!!

For all of you who don't know I am dressing up as an Avatar on Saturday. Anyone know where I can find cheap yellow contacts?! It would make my costume so much better. But I'm already going to be blue and that's pretty legit.

On another note, I should start taking/posting pictures on this blog of myself and the shenans I get up to... It might make my blog a bit more easy on the eyes rather than just straight text.

What do you think? Maybe I'll post pictures of me in my super awesome costume.


Yay for Halloween!!!

Oh and great movies to watch this Halloween:

1. Hocus Pocus (obviously)
2. Casper
3. My Mom Has a Date With A Vampire
4. Rocky Horror Picture Show
5. The Nightmare Before Christmas

There's so much more that I can't even think of right now!

Happy Halloween Weekend, err'one!

My Unreal Halloween Costume

My costume is the best this year!

I'm going as an *drumroll please....*





AN AVATAR!!!!!!!!!


I got the best body suit and all I have to do is paint my face and braid my hair!

Exciting right?

Should I splurge and buy yellow contacts?
Hm..maybe.