Grandma

My Grandma died in March and I barely dealt with it.
I was sad. So, so sad. But I didn't let myself actually feel the hurt. I didn't accept it.. so I pushed her death out of my mind and moved on.

I was a weird child growing up and every weekend when my friends would be out playing, I would sleep at my Grandma & Grandpa's house. Somehow, this was always comforting to me and was always where I wanted to be. I had the best time with them whether it was because we were going out to dinner, going shopping, watching TV & Movies or baking cupcakes... my heart always felt full.

Before I was born, my Grandma developed a serious case of lung cancer to the point where they didn't think she was going to live. She pulled through though like the champion she's always been and stayed "healthy" for years later. She never developed cancer again, but she aged drastically and was always very sore & sick.

A few years ago, she ended up in the hospital and we were told she wasn't going to come out this time (too many problems at home for my Grandpa). So she ended up getting transferred to a different hospital in a room where she could stay until she got moved into an "old folks home". She ended up staying in that room for 3 years. No way to live, right?

It started getting harder & harder to go and visit her as her health was really starting to diminish and she wasn't the same person she used to be. I know that's really selfish of me to say as she was my best friend growing up but it was hard to face her and it didn't help that my mom was so impatient when we'd go there too. However, my Grandpa (the sweetheart he is) went and saw her every. single. day. And I believe she truly felt like one lucky woman.

Whenever I would go visit her all by myself, something was different. We would get into the deepest of conversations and she would offer up the most heartfelt advice and it was like I had my grandma back. She always managed to become the woman she used to be when it was just me and her. I think it's because she didn't feel so guilty when we would all be there in a big group and she couldn't do anything.

So going back to the original paragraph, I didn't deal with her death. When she died, it was a huge shock to me... My grandpa told me Grandma went back to the real hospital and was in trauma and she probably wasn't going to retaliate. My sister & I rushed to the hospital and my Grandma was no longer my Grandma. She was hooked up to cords and was fighting and fighting and fighting to breathe. It lasted that way for 24 hours with her breathe becoming slower but stronger.

Then, the time came & I was numb. I said my goodbyes and sat in the visitors room. I couldn't see her take her last breathe and I knew it was coming any minute.

Grandpa slowly walked in the room and sat down beside me, arm around my neck.

"She's gone. It's over." He said as he began to weep silently, knowing that his only wife was now gone forever.
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I felt the need to write all of this out because even though her death was months ago now, lately I've been having trouble dealing with it. 
I barely got upset at the time of her death because I didn't want to accept it but I believe even though the month of October brings many happy memories for me, it's all happy memories that my Grandma was once apart of and this is the first year she's not here for them (my birthday, Thanksgiving, my mom's birthday, halloween...) and I'm having a hard time with it. 
My Grandpa came over for Thanksgiving the other day and he kept mentioning things my Grandma used to do & say or things we would do together as a family and my heart broke a little. So I've really felt the need to write out all my feelings. 
Thanks for listening. 

Thanksgiving

I hope everyone's Thanksgiving (Canada) was incredible :)

Mine was spent out at the Lake eating lots of turkey and taking crisp & beautiful Autumn walks...

followed by making turkey dinner at our new apartment! My only complaint is that the Turkey could have been cooked about 20 minutes longer than it would've been perfect.

This Thanksgiving I'm thankful for:

• Being able to afford food & shelter (seriously.)
• Our little Minni.
• The lucky love I have in my life. By no means are John & I perfect, but we're definitely perfect for each other. 
• Our families who take incredibly good care of us and "let" us raid their cupboards (hehe).
• Pretty Little Liars. LOL!

What are you thankful for?

My Love Affair with Food

I never imagined myself to be a woman who cooks.
When I was in College, I used to make jokes based on the fact that all I knew how to make was toast and Kraft Dinner and sometimes even failed at that.

I used to ask questions about other people's cooking...

"How'd you know how to make this?"
"Where do you find your recipes?"
"I could never make a meal this good. Have you always known how to cook?"

I was never confident in myself when it came to kitchens.
Once I started becoming interested in blogging, my favorite lifestyle bloggers would post a recipe every now and then and the ingredients they used would completely intrigue me.

I had never even heard of an avocado before blogging.

I started to learn more about how important it is to buy local foods.
How fantastic Gouda tastes on sandwich's or by itself.
I learned about the beauty of a roasted tomato and oil based pastas.
I discovered squash.

The more I started to read about these amazing recipes and the more I started to research actual food blogs, the more I started to become more curious.

I was yearning to try the recipes that I had found so I made my family my guinea pig and I had a lot of failed recipes. I'll never forget the time when I attempted to make Chicken Parmesan and it was seriously the most disgusting thing I've ever made. I was so new to cooking back then and probably no one around to answer my questions... and so it flopped. Big time. 

Which leads me to my next point... Questions.
In my first year of cooking (and even a little bit now), I asked a LOT of questions. I would second guess absolutely everything I made whether it was about measurements, substituting ingredients (which I would try not to do because I didn't know what tasted good with what), or what I should make as a side dish. I didn't understand anything so I would hound my mom and step mom about what to do. I seriously think this was the best thing I ever did in cooking rather than try and learn everything on my own.

Now when I cook, I can imagine flavors in my head (or mouth?) and know what ingredients and food products compliment each other.

I know (a little bit more) about measurements and if not, there's always Google!

I know what kind of spices or cheese I can use in place of something I don't have according to a recipe.

Even though I am still learning and would consider myself in a Culinary "Intermediate" level, my questions about cooking go more like this:

"What should I make for dessert? The Lemon Meringue or the Cheesecake?"
"Parmesan or Mozzarella...or both?"
"What type of wine should we pair with this meal?"

Or my personal favorite question....

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

Culinary Rant

Sometimes, I feel as though I spend way too much time thinking about what it is that I want to do for a living and not enough time making it happen.

My mind is constantly changing dreams & aspirations and I always feel like I'm at a complete loss for what I actually really want to be. What will make me happier than anything? What is that thing that I need?

I read a nice new blog today called Making Things Happen. Have you heard of it?

It basically allowed me to look at my life and really think "what are the things that make me happiest in this whole world?"

The only thing I could really think of was cooking.

Now I don't know if this is just another one of my mind changes. I mean a year ago I thought the only thing that would make me happiest was working with troubled kids. But now... I'm not so sure. I love kids don't get me wrong... but do I really want to turn off all my emotion at the risk of being bullied by children who don't know any better for the rest of my life? I'm the most sensitive person I know and I just don't know if I can do it.

So I really sat down and thought when am I at my most happiest? When do I feel like the whole world is easy and fun? And cooking was the activity that just kept coming back and back and back.

Cooking is by far my favorite thing to do. I love experimenting with new ingredients and recipes and I barely ever make anything that's pre-packaged or frozen besides on the very rare occasion (I love me some Sidekicks!).  And the best part about cooking is that there is almost something new to learn and discover!

I'm still an intermediate cook and sometimes my recipes are complete flops but I feel like it's all a part of the package.

I sometimes think about my future and picture myself working for a small local food service company where the menu can constantly change. Whether it's a catering business (which was an idea I've thought of before) or a small bistro. All I know, is I'd never want to cook for a chain... I'd want to be able to be creative and use real, whole ingredients that make people forget who they are!!!

Sigh... I'm drifting off into my dream land. But who says it has to be a dream?

"Be a fearless cook & never apologize" -Julia Child

October 1st!

October is by far my favorite month of the whole year!
I always feel like a giddy little girl when October 1st arrives as throughout my life, it's been the best month for me.

Amazing things that have happened in October:

1. My birthday :)
2. Thanksgiving
3. Halloween
4. Beautiful Scenery
5. Chill, amazing temperatures
6. Delicious Autumn Drinks (Pumpkin Spice Latte obv)
7. Fantastic Seasonal treats (I think I'm going to make a Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Bread tonight!)

and last but not least...

8. October was the month me and John had our first few dates! The past 2 years that Fall has arrived, I've gotten incredibly nostalgic about our relationship. Ha! I'm such a loser :)

Anyway, hope you love October as much as I do! Now go enjoy yourself a delish latte!