Wishing, Dreaming.

Do you ever feel like you're meant to be doing something else?
That what you're doing now just...isn't right.

I'm constantly thinking I want to go back to school.
I want to be educated in something that can help others. That will leave me satisfied by the end of the day.
I want to know that I've made a difference.

When can I do that?
Why does it have to take so long?

Some Goals for the Future

* There are so many places I'd love to see. New York City, Paris, Greece, Lake Tahoe, Bahamas, Alaska... pretty much any area I've never been to with culture involved. I just don't know if I could live with myself if I just stayed in one spot my whole life and was ignorant to the rest of the world.

*Continue drinking all this water like I have been. Before, I never drank water...ever. And now, I've been drinking mass amounts. Never before has my body felt more hydrated... I really feel like my blood is pumpin' you know?!

* Settle into a permanent career that I'm very happy with.

*Go back to school. Take Child and Youth work and then go on to work with kids who are less fortunate than me. Make a difference in their lives. Feel content. Feel fulfilled. --> See previous entry.

*Have my own little family in a cute little house. Whether here or in a different city. Big or Small.

*If I don't live on a lake or in a bush and I live in the city, I want to have a little camp out in the woods and on a lake so I can escape to quiet and get away from the hustle and bustle of the city.

*Have 2 little dogs and some little munchkins.

*Be with the love of my life and continue to laugh.

With all of these things I will remain happy.

Love.

Isn't that what we all live for?

Isn't that what life means?

It's funny. The word "love".

You can love so many people and in so many different ways.

Love.

Such an exciting word. Scary, even.

Love. The biggest emotion in the world. The biggest feeling in the universe.

There's nothing stronger than the feeling of Love.

I'll Be There. Even When You Hate My Face. I'll Be There. Always.

Times can be tough.
But don't forget, I am here. Always.
Please don't forget...
Even when, at the moment, my voice is like a nail scratching a chalkboard, I'll sit with you in silence.
Even when you don't want to laugh, I'll cry with you and let you use my shoulder.
Even when you want to grab the whole world and give it a good shake, I will hang on. To you.
And hopefully make you happy.
Somehow.
Someway.
I'll do that.
Because to me, you are perfect.
I'll do anything.
To see you smile.

Fitting In

Everybody has tried to fit in once or twice and maybe a hell of a lot more in their lives.
Growing up, I always wanted to dress like everybody else.
I remember in Grade 6, everybody had Gap and I wanted to wear Gap too, but my family couldn't afford it so I was stuck with hand-me-downs. And let me tell you, as a pre-teen, this sucked. A lot.
But looking back on it, I actually embrace my uniqueness to everybody else. And I'm thankful that I didn't wear Gap like everybody else.

Fast forward a few years and throughout high school and it was sort of the same, but just not as bad. As a teenager, you want so badly to have tons of friends and to be liked. And I was liked, yes but didn't care much for the people in my high school. Most of my close friends were at other schools. Looking back on this, that doesn't bother me too much either.

But the thing is, is that it did then. It bothered me then.

And even now: sometimes I don't wear the most "stylish" outfits and my hair isn't always perfect. But you know what? I like it that way.

I'm so incredibly done with trying to please everyone around me in order to not be teased or made to feel guilty.

My clothes won't always match. I'm going to wear what I want to wear no matter if I'm breaking rules or not.
My hair isn't going to be perfect.
My skin is flawed.
I'm sensitive.
I'm blunt.
I'm also very kind, considerate and understanding.
But most of all I'm happy. I'm happy with myself and I'm happy with my life. And I'm not going to change the way I am just to "fit in" because then I wouldn't be me. And that's just not right.

I also have a boyfriend who just recently reminded me of why I should always be myself and never aim to be anybody else but me. Because he loves me just the way I am.
If my clothes are matching or not.
I am loved.
And I am loved by myself... and that's what really matters.



Me in my Kingdom Hearts Blanket.



The Rain.



Photo via The Savage World

What is it about the rain?
It makes us gloomy, glum, sad, tired. So many negative emotions.
It makes us think more. Speak less.
Want to curl up under the blankets and maybe just sleep for a little while.
Your body feels colder, your day feels longer.

But what about the beauty of the rain?
The beauty that a shift in the weather can cause you to feel so many different emotions?
The fact that when it's raining, everything outside just looks a little bit more pretty.
Romantic even.

What about those feelings?

My Own Happiness

So overall, I'm a very happy girl.

I have so much in my life to be grateful for such as an amazing boyfriend, a loving family, and great friends (and of course 4 cute dogs).

I have a roof over my head, a vehicle to drive (barely), food on the table in front of me and a job that pays my small amount of bills.

However, I've been noticing something about myself lately.

A relatively new discovery.

My happiness comes from making other people happy so I don't feel guilty.

I'm just not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

I make almost every decision because of someone else. I put everybody in my life's happiness before my own.

I don't think I should do that all the time. I think I need to start focusing more on what works best for me and what, in the end, will make me happy.

I can't always make my decisions based on someone else's feelings or because I'm afraid my decision might make someone angry with me.

So I'm putting myself first from now on. However, of course I will still strive on making those I love around me, happy. That's what I live for. To make other's happy. But, I still need to remember that my happiness is just as important, and if not, more important.

And I'm thinking that the significant people in my life will realize that disappointment is sometimes inevitable but they need to accept my decisions whether they like it or not...because well my decisions are not their decisions to make.

Do you think absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Thunder Bay Isn't All That Bad

Thunder Bay, Ontario courtesy my cell phone.

Looking Ahead: Places I Want To Go

Being at the young age of 21, I often think about the things that I want in my future. These include getting married, having a family and a career, a nice house to call home. But I can't turn my back on something I really really want...and that is to travel. I feel like before I can do all those other things, I want to see the world. But if life happens and my plan is changed and my list becomes out of order, I will have to accept that.

But for now, I can still dream.

Here are some of the places I would love to see:

New York City

Hawaii

 Australia

 Lake Tahoe

 Los Angeles

 New Zealand

Paris

And last but not least...

Disney World!

This one is special because I'm actually going next year with my family! In April or May. Please don't tell me either of these months are hurricane season though.. that would be just a little bit of a damper!

I'm curious... where do you all want to go?!



Take Me Away

Can you just take me away?

Sweep me off my feet?

On a ship of raging waters with the mermaids?

On a plane amongst marshmallows and birds?

On a train full of magic and men with pipes?

In a car on a lonely country road?

On a moped riding outside the Cathedral of Pisa or the Eiffel Tower?

Walking hand in hand looking at large mountains or down Grand Canyon's?

Riding a horse where there is nothing but green trees and beautiful horizons?

Let's not worry about what we have to do tomorrow.

Let's only worry about today.

Come on. We'll have an adventure.

Give Me The Summer!

For all you bloggers who I follow who live in Arizona or Utah etc...let me just tell you a little bit about where I live.

I live in this little place in Northern Ontario that only has warmth and summer for about 4 months. It's awful.

So you can imagine how excited I am for May...June...July...August to arrive.

There's so much that I love about summer.

Whether it's going to camp and just being outside enjoying the warm weather...

...or sitting at the end of the dock when it's dark out and just staring up at the stars...

...Saunas, jumping in the lake, peeing in an outhouse :)...

...walking the dogs in shorts and a tank...

...sitting outside by the pool enjoying a good summer read...

...road trips...

gas station stops...

Oh gosh, the list could go on and on...

Dark Mornings

There's this certain feeling I get when I first wake up in the early morning.

This feeling when my house is quiet-almost too quiet.

When everything is dark and any world outside of my four walls doesn't seem to exist.

I actually quite like the feeling.

Although, it does make it hard for me to get up and get ready for work.

I guess I just love the feeling of dark and quiet.

But when I step into the cold, brisk air of winter to get into my little white truck...that feeling goes away. And it's like it was never there to begin with.

And all of a sudden,

the world exists again.

You Are The Best Thing That's Ever Been Mine

I want to drive without a plan.

Stop at a lake and look out into the horizon.

Take pictures in front of street signs.

Count the license plates from different provinces and states.

Eat at diners.

Stop on the side of the road to look at Moose, Deer and Bears.

Share short kisses.

Listen to Taylor Swift.

Share long kisses.

Sleep at a tiny Hotel.

Have no idea where we are.

End up somewhere completely random and maybe feel a little scared.

Remember that I have no reason to feel scared.

I want to drive without a plan...

Things I'd Like To See In The Near (or Semi-Near) Future.

I've just been so excited about life lately. What comes next for me?

Oh, I know!

How about taking a 2 week vacation and driving to...who knows? Just take a car and keep those wheels spinning with a little cash in my pocket. Maybe I'll end up in New York? Maybe I'll end up in Los Angeles? Maybe P.E.I? I don't know. And I don't want to know! That's the adventure!

All while continuing to work here in the Bay, and buy a car and a cute little house and settle down in a place that actually isn't so bad.

Or packin' up my stuff and moving to the big city (what big city? I'm not sure) and kickin' it up in the big leagues for however long it takes.

Perhaps get a good job amongst the city lights and tall buildings.

Go somewhere hot, go somewhere green, go somewhere blue, go somewhere polluted, go somewhere snowy. Go everywhere!


************************

I want to do so much! What do you want to do?

11:11

Always waiting, always wishing on 11:11

In hopes that things will stay the same and continue to grow

To blossom into the beautiful rose my life is turning out to become.

11:11...please continue to be on my side.

I rather need you.

KThx.

Oh, Those Games We Play...

I'm rather curious to find out how much time we spend waiting, waiting, waiting...

Waiting to eat, waiting to leave, waiting for a call, waiting for a text, waiting to go home...waiting...

Isn't it funny how relationships work?

How you might look at someone and love everything you see or talk to a person and love everything you hear but somebody else who is looking and hearing the exact same things may be completely turned away?

It's such a strange concept when you're once so afraid to eat in front of a significant other.

When your face is all red from rubbing a napkin over your chin hoping that there is no evidence of your embarrasingly sloppy eating habits.

Why is that when meeting new people (friendships and love interests) conversation is either awkward and forced or easy and smooth?

Like you've known eachother for years...

Or how people are so paranoid about the opposite sex?

Why is it that we have our expectations so high? Why didn't you call? Why are you acting weird? Why did you say that? Who was that girl? Where were you last night?

The best relationships work when it's smooth sailing and simple. When these questions don't matter and you still have trust in the other person is when you are most compatible, I think.

You didn't call because it wasn't necessary. You are acting weird because you are tired and can't focus. You said that because like most people, we don't think before we speak. That girl was an old friend, just like I have many old friends, boys and girls. You were busy, everyone gets busy.

Trust these things and don't make a big deal into nothing. Trust ME, it's not worth it.
For the most part, I had a pretty successful relationship for 4 years of my life based on these factors, and even though that relationship failed, it was still easy.

I look at other people who are constantly paranoid about things and why would anyone want to ever be that exhausted?

TRUST.

It's so important. Trust in yourself and trust in other people. TRUST TRUST TRUST!

It'll make you happier in the long run. I promise.


And everyone wants to be happy, don't they?

People Aren't So Bad

Why are people so afraid to tell the truth?
I mean, I was afraid once. I hid the truth from everybody and then finally, decided that I needed to be honest with myself and then when I was finally able to admit everything to myself, be honest with the rest of the world.
Especially the people who might get hurt.

And you know what?

I'm so glad I did. Turns out-When you're honest, people will respect you. People aren't so bad, they're actually very understanding.

I don't think we give those we are afraid of as much credit as we deserve. 

It seems honesty really is the best policy, no matter what kind of circumstances we may be getting ourselves into.

Because in the long run...people may be upset in the beginning, but in the end-It may actually be worth it and those who don't understand will eventually get through it. And those who did understand, well, I guess they are better friends than we originally thought?

I'm not sure if what I'm saying is making any sense or if you can relate in any way, but it makes sense to me...and that's all that matters.

Just remember...people aren't so scary. People are always telling me that I'm so positive and "bubbly" and that's because I believe in the good in people. In everyone. Just be honest, trust me. It's worth it.

Losing My Focus

I can't seem to focus today.
Maybe it's the strange and out of focus dreams I've been having every night
...or the mere fact that I can barely sleep at all?
**Constant thoughts...
Maybe it's because I've been eating less and drinking more?
Maybe it's because I've had a busy week with all of the Halloween Festivities?
or maybe it's because work was just a little bit crazy last week?
I've also had a terrible cold for the past few days...could that be it?
Could it be that I've spent my free time watching sappy Romantic Comedies and it's starting to make me weepy?
Or maybe it's the transition that my heart is going through? A fast transition that feels so good? Fast change is always exhausting.

I'm starting to think it's a mix of all of these things put together.

And, dear Blog, you are not helping!

Please Excuse My Excessive Posting

Sometimes things happen that are completely unexpected, let me tell you.

But isn't that what makes it great? Isn't that what makes it worth it?

I know that some things in life aren't planned-but maybe it's true what they say: Good things happen to those who wait.

It's just unfortunate when you don't want to.

It's nice to know that you might have actually found something worth trying for and of course there has to be strings attached. Of course there has to be complications.

I don't want to do this alone, would you please join me for the ride? I feel so happy and I'm afraid of what comes next.