October 10, 2012


My Grandma died in March and I barely dealt with it.
I was sad. So, so sad. But I didn't let myself actually feel the hurt. I didn't accept it.. so I pushed her death out of my mind and moved on.

I was a weird child growing up and every weekend when my friends would be out playing, I would sleep at my Grandma & Grandpa's house. Somehow, this was always comforting to me and was always where I wanted to be. I had the best time with them whether it was because we were going out to dinner, going shopping, watching TV & Movies or baking cupcakes... my heart always felt full.

Before I was born, my Grandma developed a serious case of lung cancer to the point where they didn't think she was going to live. She pulled through though like the champion she's always been and stayed "healthy" for years later. She never developed cancer again, but she aged drastically and was always very sore & sick.

A few years ago, she ended up in the hospital and we were told she wasn't going to come out this time (too many problems at home for my Grandpa). So she ended up getting transferred to a different hospital in a room where she could stay until she got moved into an "old folks home". She ended up staying in that room for 3 years. No way to live, right?

It started getting harder & harder to go and visit her as her health was really starting to diminish and she wasn't the same person she used to be. I know that's really selfish of me to say as she was my best friend growing up but it was hard to face her and it didn't help that my mom was so impatient when we'd go there too. However, my Grandpa (the sweetheart he is) went and saw her every. single. day. And I believe she truly felt like one lucky woman.

Whenever I would go visit her all by myself, something was different. We would get into the deepest of conversations and she would offer up the most heartfelt advice and it was like I had my grandma back. She always managed to become the woman she used to be when it was just me and her. I think it's because she didn't feel so guilty when we would all be there in a big group and she couldn't do anything.

So going back to the original paragraph, I didn't deal with her death. When she died, it was a huge shock to me... My grandpa told me Grandma went back to the real hospital and was in trauma and she probably wasn't going to retaliate. My sister & I rushed to the hospital and my Grandma was no longer my Grandma. She was hooked up to cords and was fighting and fighting and fighting to breathe. It lasted that way for 24 hours with her breathe becoming slower but stronger.

Then, the time came & I was numb. I said my goodbyes and sat in the visitors room. I couldn't see her take her last breathe and I knew it was coming any minute.

Grandpa slowly walked in the room and sat down beside me, arm around my neck.

"She's gone. It's over." He said as he began to weep silently, knowing that his only wife was now gone forever.

I felt the need to write all of this out because even though her death was months ago now, lately I've been having trouble dealing with it. 
I barely got upset at the time of her death because I didn't want to accept it but I believe even though the month of October brings many happy memories for me, it's all happy memories that my Grandma was once apart of and this is the first year she's not here for them (my birthday, Thanksgiving, my mom's birthday, halloween...) and I'm having a hard time with it. 
My Grandpa came over for Thanksgiving the other day and he kept mentioning things my Grandma used to do & say or things we would do together as a family and my heart broke a little. So I've really felt the need to write out all my feelings. 
Thanks for listening. 

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