Shift in my Emotions

In the process of reconstructing my blog, I went through every single one of my posts and labelled them. In doing this, I read some of my past posts and I noticed something really upsetting: I was really sad. You could tell through my writing that I was almost sort of...lifeless and I wanted so desperately to feel emotion again...to feel happiness. From when I started my blog in April all the way up until maybe the beginning of October, I was trying so hard to remind myself of reasons to be happy and sometimes even saying that I was happy but I was lying to myself.

I remember saying to myself sometime near the end of September that I was going to focus mainly on myself and not all the other stuff that was happening in my life (which was a LOT... I was definitely losing control) and you know what? That is when I truly found myself again along with happiness and yep, you guessed it, love!

And it definitely shows in my blog posts.

If you look at  this post (happy)

Compared to me pretending I'm happy in this post

and then look at this post and this one (sad)

Do you see how much happiness I have gained from one point where I was admitting I was so depressed and then saying I was happy because I was just trying to feel that way and then lastly to a point where I truly was/am happy?

It's really amazing.

Since the end of September when I tried to find balance in my life and focus purely on my own self contentment, that is when I found everything I ever wanted. And you know what else? I can honestly say that I have never been happier than where I am with my life right now.

I have an amazing boyfriend. I'm not lying when I say I didn't know that feelings like this could exist for another human being. It took me a long time to find my perfect guy, but I finally did and I couldn't be more grateful!


For the first time since early highschool, I feel amazing about my body. I feel so healthy because I'm eating decent (although I do eat junk food from time to time...hey, you gotta live your life, right?!) and I've been exercising regularly since January and I feel so great about my body and definitely heart happy! Do you know that I can actually run for an extended period of time now whereas before I couldn't even run for a minute without losing my stamina? I've definitely built that up and it feels great!

I'm close with my family and I think they are accepting of the fact that I am getting older and not home as often as I used to be. But when I am, we have a great time and we catch up. It's really nice.

I see my friends as often as I can and I can promise them that I'm not going anywhere. We all lead very busy lives but I miss them when I don't see them! I strive on girls nights and spending time with them in any way I can. I love them!

So in saying this, I guess it really does show you that you need to love yourself and be happy with yourself before you can love and be loved. And I'm so glad I found this happiness with myself because then I wouldn't have John... and John is just the best. :)

Amazing, isn't it?

Making my Dreams Come True-Finally!

I feel like I have forgotten all of the things that make me happy.
At one point in my life, I used to have a blast sitting around in my basement playing RPG video games or catching up on the latest celebrity gossip floating around the internet. It seems that lately I have been so busy working or just lazing around watching TV. Sure-I hang out with my friends almost everyday-which is always a day brightener...but I feel like I need to focus on my own happiness. Doing things with myself that I know leave me feeling content.

I got to thinking about all of this today when one of the news anchors asked me if Heidi and Spencer are really broken up. Six months ago I would've had the exact answer with all the dirty details-this time, I had no response.

I know this may not seem like a big deal to most of you, but celebrities at one point would fascinate me. Interviewing, researching their lives, writing and gossiping about is what I want to do with my life one day, so I just feel like it's crucial to know the answers to silly questions like that.

So what did I do? I came home from work and went on www.celebrity-gossip.net and updated myself on all the latest dirt. I forgot how much I missed it. How much I loved it. This all leads up to my final statement:

Tomorrow, I'm going to write my demo reel scripts (which is way overdue) and hopefully on Wednesday I am going to record my on-camera and voice over demo reels! I have absolutely everything I need now to send them away (Headshots and a resume) so I have no excuses! The only reason would be pure laziness and that won't get me anywhere!

Also, I need to do some serious researching on talent agencies in the Toronto and Vancouver area to send away my resume and headshots as well. I can't forget about my true passion-acting.

Oh, to be a dreamer.