In the process of reconstructing my blog, I went through every single one of my posts and labelled them. In doing this, I read some of my past posts and I noticed something really upsetting: I was really sad. You could tell through my writing that I was almost sort of...lifeless and I wanted so desperately to feel emotion again...to feel happiness. From when I started my blog in April all the way up until maybe the beginning of October, I was trying so hard to remind myself of reasons to be happy and sometimes even saying that I was happy but I was lying to myself.
I remember saying to myself sometime near the end of September that I was going to focus mainly on myself and not all the other stuff that was happening in my life (which was a LOT... I was definitely losing control) and you know what? That is when I truly found myself again along with happiness and yep, you guessed it, love!
And it definitely shows in my blog posts.
If you look at this post (happy)
Compared to me pretending I'm happy in this post
and then look at this post and this one (sad)
Do you see how much happiness I have gained from one point where I was admitting I was so depressed and then saying I was happy because I was just trying to feel that way and then lastly to a point where I truly was/am happy?
It's really amazing.
Since the end of September when I tried to find balance in my life and focus purely on my own self contentment, that is when I found everything I ever wanted. And you know what else? I can honestly say that I have never been happier than where I am with my life right now.
I have an amazing boyfriend. I'm not lying when I say I didn't know that feelings like this could exist for another human being. It took me a long time to find my perfect guy, but I finally did and I couldn't be more grateful!
For the first time since early highschool, I feel amazing about my body. I feel so healthy because I'm eating decent (although I do eat junk food from time to time...hey, you gotta live your life, right?!) and I've been exercising regularly since January and I feel so great about my body and definitely heart happy! Do you know that I can actually run for an extended period of time now whereas before I couldn't even run for a minute without losing my stamina? I've definitely built that up and it feels great!
I'm close with my family and I think they are accepting of the fact that I am getting older and not home as often as I used to be. But when I am, we have a great time and we catch up. It's really nice.
I see my friends as often as I can and I can promise them that I'm not going anywhere. We all lead very busy lives but I miss them when I don't see them! I strive on girls nights and spending time with them in any way I can. I love them!
So in saying this, I guess it really does show you that you need to love yourself and be happy with yourself before you can love and be loved. And I'm so glad I found this happiness with myself because then I wouldn't have John... and John is just the best. :)
Amazing, isn't it?